I promised you gluten free bread…

I tried…I REALLY tried…very HARD…TWICE! And I failed! I am the worst baker EVER. Really. I can cook anything. When it comes to baking, I suck. Because it is a science! It’s a fucking hard science of delicate steps dependent on the previous step being timed to perfect execution. And I like to wing things like the nutty professor in the kitchen.

First let me start this bad boy out by sharing the latest addition to my kitchen. See, we don’t keep a completely gluten free kitchen. My first error. My wife and daughter like to eat their bread and have their wheat filled crap. We keep separate shelves in the pantry. The cabinet for all our baking & spice needs is gluten free; I purged everything from there. But the toaster oven we’ve been sharing has been contaminated. So this weekend I took some left over money we had on a Bed, Bath & Beyond gift card, returned some wedding gifts that were lying around the house, not in use, and bought myself this beautiful Breville Smart Oven! I should also mention that our oven has been broken since August and they are still “troubleshooting” it (we rent!) So I am also the queen of toaster oven cooking lately.

My Brevee

So here is the recipe I tried:  ONE GOOD THING by Jillee/Gluten-Free Bread That Doesn’t Suck! http://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/2013/03/finally-gluten-free-bread-that-doesnt-suck.html

Mine sucked ass Jillee…Twice!

Here we go:

I had all the ingredients needed and quickly purchased the items that I don’t usually stock (see image)

unstocked items

I mixed her flour blend first using the brown rice flour, tapioca flour, corn starch and potato flour (I also used her trick of using instant potato flakes ground up to a flour like powder).

flour mix

I then followed her instructions to activate the yeast (yuck…this shit smells funny and is just yucky!) and I set aside the 2 cups of warm water with the yeast packet.

yucky yeast

I followed her next steps to mix the wet ingredients first.

wet ingredients

Yes…I was drinking…but this isn’t how I fucked it up! lol


Then you add dry ingredients and mix for the appropriate amount of time (noted in her recipe) THEN you add the yeast water slowly and it makes a cake like batter:

cake like batter

Here is what it looked like in the pans…and this is how far I got in round 1.


The dough never rose…it just sat there. An hour and a half later and we were still blah! So I chucked it. It seems my yeast was expired (ha ha ha that’s what she said, yea I heard it all this weekend thanks to Red!)

Round 2 went as follows. I got jumbled in my steps and over mixed the dry ingredients when adding them to the wet ingredients and thought…oh when I add the yeast water it’ll be fine! HA! It created sooooo many lumps which I tried to rectify by, get this, straining the batter spoon by spoon to salvage any part of it! ONE LOAF EVEN!


It didn’t work. I apparently fucked something up yet again because while this dough rose to the occasion, this is what it looked like when I pulled it out of the oven:


It deflated! Sunk in! Like a souffle…delicate bitch! I was so upset. All I wanted was a fucking grilled cheese sandwich this weekend!

I finished the bottle of wine.

3rd time’s a charm?



3 thoughts on “I promised you gluten free bread…

  1. Oh, I feel for you! There’s not much worse than wasting your time on a crap GF bread. This is why I’ve only made one loaf in two years! Total fear of failure. You’re a braver woman than me. I’m rooting for your fourth loaf!

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